The Style Invitational Week 938 Free and Lear
By Pat Myers, Friday, September 23, 3:50 AM
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, ‘It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!’
— Edward Lear, from “A Book of
Nonsense,” 1846
There was an old man with a beard
Who said, “It is just as I feared!
I thought I’d seem straight
With this pretty young date,
But I still hear them calling me
‘weird.’ ”
— Gene Weingarten, 2011
Edward Lear never called them
limericks, but the 19th-century poet is widely considered the grandfather of
the form, though not its inventor. But as the example above shows, Lear’s limericks
tend not to be what we in the Invitational Age would call clever, and they
certainly have none of the risque humor now associated with the genre.
Loser Extraordinaire Kevin
Dopart suggests that we rectify that situation. This week: Write a limerick
using the first two lines of any of Lear’s 115 limericks (see them here) plus
your own three remaining lines, as The Washington Post’s Official Dean of
Doggerel has done above.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a dignified game
called Doody Head, in which one person wears a “grippy hat” while others toss
“super squidgy doodies” (made of brown fabric and foam) at the head of the
eager-to-please victim. Donated by Nan Reiner.
Other runners-up win their choice
of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.
3; results published Oct. 23 (Oct. 21 online). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 938” in your e-mail subject line or it may be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised
title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle; this week’s
honorable-mentions subhead is by Matt Monitto.
Report from Week 934, our perennial contest in which we supplied a randomly compiled list
of objects and asked you to tell us how any two were alike or different:
The winner of the Inker
The difference between a
toilet brush and a tattoo of Joe Biden: One’s a bristly Number Two tool; the
other’s merely the depiction of one. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
2. Winner of the
of ear buds with little pink pig heads that stick out of your ears: A Twitter
hashtag is a pound sign. Fried butter on a stick is a pounds sign. (Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
3. A toilet brush and okra
sorbet: Faced with either one, most people would rather not lick the bowl. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
4. Precious bodily fluids and
a tattoo of Joe Biden: Both are best kept to yourself on a first date. (Colette
Zanin, Greenbelt, Md.)
Beyond compare: Honorable mentions
A toilet brush and three
clothespins: If you don’t use the first, it’s good to have the second handy for
guests. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
Fried butter on a stick and
Misty of Chincoteague: Even the French won’t eat fried butter on a stick.
(Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va., a First Offender)
Three clothespins differ from
a toilet brush because the first would be a poor rating in a perfume directory,
and the second one even worse. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Precious bodily fluids vs.
fried butter on a stick: Most “Twilight” fans think consuming fried butter on a
stick is gross. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
The Descent of Man and a
tattoo of Joe Biden: Waving either one around could get you kicked out of Bob
Jones University. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.)
Misty of Chincoteague and a
tattoo of Joe Biden: With Misty you get the whole horse. (Howard Mantle,
Lafayette, Calif.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
The Descent of Man and
precious bodily fluids: Two things you regularly see on a Metro escalator.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Pam Sweeney)
Misty of Chincoteague and the
25-entry limit: The first, lots of whinnying; the other, lots of whining.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
A Twitter hashtag is
spaceless; The Descent of Man is baseless. #ItIsOnlyATheory, Dayton, Tenn.
(Jeff Contompasis)
Misty of Chincoteague and a
Twitter hashtag: Both lead readers to juvenile fiction. (Michael Reinemer,
Annandale, Va.)
Fried butter on a stick and
okra sorbet: Both are treats that Paula Deen would improve by adding a big
dollop of mayo, whipped cream and a drizzle of Cheese Whiz. (Phyllis Reinhard,
East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Three clothespins and fried butter
on a stick: Both are related to size XXL underpants. (David Ballard, Reston,
Va.)
Okra sorbet and a toilet
brush: One’s like gumbo; the other’s for where your bum goes. (Erika Hoffeld,
Silver Spring, Md.)
A Google+
invitation is supposed to separate the wheat from the chaff. The 25-entry limit
is supposed to separate the wit from the chaff. (Chris Doyle)
Blue suede shoes and precious
bodily fluids: Both should be preceded with the warning “Don’t you step on my
. . .” (Sheila Randall, Damascus, Md., a First Offender)
Precious bodily fluids and a
Twitter hashtag: two things that Anthony Weiner is keeping to himself these
days. (Dave Hanlon, Woodbridge, Va.)
A toilet brush and Misty of
Chincoteague: A toilet brush scrubs out poop, while Misty poops out scrub.
(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Okra sorbet: Eat
to your heart’s content. Fried butter on a stick: Eat to your heart’s contempt.
(Chris Doyle)
Precious bodily fluids and a
Google+ invitation: Both should be shared only among carefully chosen circles.
(Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
A Twitter hashtag starts out
with the pound sign. Fried butter on a stick ends up with the colon. (Jeff
Contompasis)
Three clothespins and the
25-entry limit: Both are overkill for one T-shirt. (Danny Bravman, Chicago)
The difference between blue
suede shoes and precious bodily fluids: Howard Hughes didn’t have a closet full
of blue suede shoes. (Pam Sweeney)
Precious bodily fluids and a
tattoo of Joe Biden: One is related to “Strangelove,” the other to a strange
love. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.; Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
The 25-entry limit and a
tattoo of Joe Biden: They both reflect the fact that a desire for ink can get
out of control. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
The 25-entry limit and a
toilet brush: Both help keep the crap to a minimum. (Rob Huffman; Ira Allen;
Tim Watts, Temple Hills, Md.)
The difference between blue
suede shoes and a tattoo of Joe Biden: You can step on a tattoo of Joe Biden.
In fact, in some states it is mandatory. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New
Zealand)
A red fez is like blue suede
shoes: Both look nice resting on Ottomans. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg)
Precious bodily fluids and
the 25-entry limit: Jenna Jameson isn’t concerned about preserving either of
them. (Mike Gips)
Precious bodily fluids and a
tattoo of Joe Biden: One is where babies come from, while the other could be a
form of birth control. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
The 25-entry limit and The
Descent of Man: Both are considered totally wrong by a bunch of not-so-deep
thinkers. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Precious bodily fluids and
the 25-entry limit: Both are essential in order to get a life. (Beverley Sharp)
A Google+ invitation makes
you privy to the useless, while a toilet brush is useless in the privy. (Susan
Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)
Blue suede shoes and fried
butter on a stick: In Elvis’s case, the difference was about 20 years. (David
Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Next week: The 400 Blows, or Rhymes Against
Nature